BEST LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR

A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, amongst other things, fire.Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.The lawyer sued.. and WON!(Stay with me.)Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous.

The judge stated that, nevertheless, the lawyer held a policy from the company which had warranted that the cigars were insurable. It alsoguaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what was considered to be "unacceptable fire" and therefore was obligated to pay the claim!Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his lossof the cigars lost in the "fires".NOW, FOR THE BEST PART..After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest!

SPRING

Kmart store...

12 March 2005

John Walker
Store Manager
Kmart store 4855
Summit Ridge, Reno, NV 89503

Mrs Fenton
35 Rasmussen Street
Moores Park, Reno, NV 89503

Dear Mrs Fenton

During thew proceding 6 months our security staff has been monitiring your husbands activities while in store. The list below describes his offences, all of which have been vertified by our surveillance cameras and we retain copies of tape.

We have repeately given your husband verbal warnings while he is in store and he has subsequently ignored them. He replied to those warnings with rudeness and the response "while the wife shops hire I will be here too". We are therefore ban you, your husband and the family from this store.

The following list details your husband activities in the store over the past six months :

June 15 - Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's
carts where they weren't looking.

July 2 - Set all the alarm clocks in House were to go off at 5 min intervals.

July 7 - Made a trail of tomatoe juice on the floor leading to the rest room.
July 19 - Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone,
"Code 3 " in hause wares and watch what happened.

August 4 - Went to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M on the lay - buy.

September 14 - Moved " Caution - WET FLOOR" sign in carpeted area.

September 15 - Set up a tent in the Camping Department and told other shoppers he"d invite them in if they'll bring pillows.

September 23 - If any staff offers him assistance he begin to cry and asks "Why can't you people just leave me alone?".

October 4 - Look right into the security camera - used as a mirrow and picked his nose.

November 10 - While in the gun department ask the clerk if he knows where antidepresants are.

December 3 - Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission impossible" theme.

December 6 - In the auto department practiced his " Madonna look " using different size funnels.

December 18 - Hide in a clothing rag and when people browse through yelled "PICK ME!" " PICK ME !"

December 21 - When an annoucement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!"

December 23 - Went to the fitting room, shut the door and waited a while, then yelled, very loudly, " There is no toilet paper in here!".

John F. Walker
Store Manager

Venus and Mars

I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.Well, the passion starts to heat up and she eventually says ,"I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom? "Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis racquet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey. "She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier. "I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it. "Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT?" I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me,I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you? "Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.

Face paint...

Chocolate...

Animals...

X - ray

Relaxing